Is Getting Your Closure Beneficial?

So you and your ex ended without “closure” and now you are contemplating whether or not it is worth contacting him again? Get that last “open” conversation about your failed relationship and get some “answers.” Welcome to the club. Let’s take a good look at this…

What is the purpose of this so called “closure” anyways? Is it just another opportunity we’d like to give ourselves to rationalize the fact that is, we just didn’t work out? Whether it was bad timing or a falling out of love…we didn’t work, isn’t that the only fact that matters? Apparently NOT. We want the chance to speak all those unspoken thoughts, because now is clearly the opportune moment.

I am a woman who was taught to “grab the bull by the horns; you want answers go get ‘em.” Best advice I have ever gotten, and only recently have I begun to follow it in all relevant aspects of life, like: career, academics, personal goals/dreams, food, water, cute dude at the bar, etc., etc. I’m starting to believe that love, cannot really be placed in this category as relevant. Although love needs to be worked on so that your relationship can progress, it also cannot be forced. Both parties have to be willing to put in the work, if your ex has seemingly moved on…don’t doubt it… (this is quite difficult to grasp in the actual practice of life).

I am professional at opening my mouth and speaking my every thought, it’s a gift and a curse. A gift, because I admire my fearlessness to expose just exactly who I am.  A gift, because it is a staple in embodying the whole “I don’t play games” vibe, which is the energy true bad-asses thrive off. A gift, because regardless of what I revealed about my crazy, inner, just straight feminine thought process, the right person would listen and not judge and just understand I needed to hear myself speak and I needed to see him nod along the way before he spoke his one sentence that would clarify everything. But it is a curse because I feel I have the right to the answers I seek for, simply because I ask the question. A curse, because I don’t have a great concept of just letting things play out as they should. This whole “Let Go and Let God thing” is a new practice for me. Part of maturing is learning that there are just some things you cannot control, and be honest with yourself…how ready are you to hear the truth? Because it will not be as pretty as you imagine. And are you ready to take yourself back to that place of heartbreak? Because my guess is, you’ll be dragging yourself back to that space for a few days after. And most importantly, will that person be as open to this revisiting and re-opening of wounds as you are?

I am also a professional at creating stories to help me manage my life a little easier. As much as I hate the dreaded line “it is what it is” this is the one time it’s not really a full of shit statement.  (True Story: my mother has been using this line like it is written in the Scripture). What answers are you truly looking for, after the break up? If he cheated and that came out of the dark, what more do you need to know? And can you really be “just friends” if you were in love? (Maybe after you both have found another ‘love’).

The closure process makes sense in that it ties everything that was unsettled in your mind into a nice bow for the Fvck You and Please Miss Me, you truly want to send. Because if he was an absolute douche there is no and, or, nor, but, ifs, but maybe, why about it…you KNOW that you deserve better. And if they decide they want to change and you believe it, then go ahead and throw your whole heart back into it and celebrate love. Obviously not everything in life is black and white.

Ending a relationship that you have categorized as special is NOT easy. You can spend years referring back to it, dwelling on why it couldn’t last, you can be dating someone else and still catch yourself thinking back to that one relationship. But I begin to question this idea of “closure” as I realize that my guy friends don’t mention this “closure” topic to me, and I have witness them equally suffer from a break-up as much as I have. And it could be fear of allowing yourself to be vulnerable to this person once again, of bringing up the past when you are trying to move forward in your future, of coming face-to-face with the reality that maybe you just didn’t want that relationship to end and you’re actually still wondering, could it have been saved?

Things happen for a reason…right? And let’s be real. Is closure an opportunity to close the door? Or officially keep it forever slightly opened?

I don’t know if this thought process is one driven by fear, but it is one that I am letting be…at least for another couple of months.

Share your thoughts and experiences with getting your closure. We’d love to hear from you!

With Love,

Mary B.

 

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3 thoughts on “Is Getting Your Closure Beneficial?

  1. Liza

    this article should have been written monthssssssssssssss ago for me! Wow! Such an eye opener and boy are you on point with each and every single one of your words!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • projectchula

      haha definitely not preaching that my thinking is correct, but I do understand there is something to be said about not having this “closure” and conversation that is supposed to put it all on the table…

  2. ELLE

    Your conversation on this topic is so interesting, it definitely generates a different perspective for me. I’m a woman and I don’t think closure is always necessary, although I can’t really cite a relationship where I haven’t gotten closure lol. I guess it depends on how much was invested, and what kind of closure I’m looking for. I’ve used closure to dump my thoughts and feelings without any concern for his reply. I’ve asked for post-breakup clarification, the what happened, why, all that… but that was after a more meaningful relationship. So for me, it depends on what kind of closure I’m really looking for. In my experience its not always beneficial to have the that one hurt you attempt to help you heal, so if I want answers it has to happen fast so the real healing can happen.
    What’s become a pattern in my life is that when I’m not looking for something, it seems to come my way, and this experience holds true with the concept of closure for me. Without looking for it, I find it and at times in quite unexpected ways without directly asking for it.

    Love the article, love project chula, and that’s my two cents! ❤

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